How to Cope When Life Completely Overwhelms You
Don’t change too much too quickly
Making choices is hard work. And it’s not something that we naturally enjoy. It’s more fun and compelling to attempt everything that comes our way and try to please everyone. We find it uncomfortable to say, “No.” to an activity or another person’s request. It’s difficult to tell ourselves, “Not now.” to a personal goal or interest. Adding and starting activities, goals, and relationships is always more exciting than ending or postponing them.
Too often we’re told that we don’t have to choose, that we can be everything and anything we desire. There is a massive amount of content and material that will instruct us on how to precisely achieve that anything and everything.
We’ve been told for generations that we can be healthy, wealthy, and wise if we follow the right steps. We’ve also been told that all of these things should happen immediately. How many of us have found ourselves thinking something along the lines of the following at some point:
I’m going to lose weight, find that new dream job, save up for that new car, have coffee with a different friend each day, make a new friend each day, answer every email within 24 hours, be more community-minded, make sure I spend quality time with my family, write that screenplay, volunteer for that non-profit, etc etc.
Stop.
Our media is littered with thousands of pieces of content advocating all manner of ways to be healthy, wealthy, and wise. The pundits advocate myriad of perspectives on how we can make ALL of our wildest dreams come true!
We cannot try to do or be everything at once because there is one definite, looming thing which we all share and it is mutually exclusive: TIME. We have only so much of it, and it can only be spent on one thing at any given moment.
Sprinter’s Attitude
Even the least athletic of us can run flat out for a short distance during a sprint. Sprinters train themselves for power and speed, but not for duration. They are not worried about the duration; the race time will be over by then. We should be the opposite, concerned with the Long-Form Life.
To compound our ad-hoc decision-making processes, we are acquisitive and additive. We are terrible at having to choose not to do something. We want to do it all, to have it all. Nothing is mutually exclusive for us, we merely need to figure out how to balance it all and keep every ball in the air.
So we sprint through seasons in our life because we’re terrified that we might have to let go of an idea, defer something, or acknowledge that a particular goal which we’ve been hanging onto (perhaps for years), isn’t very important to us.
We cannot always be additive; we have to choose with discernment. Our lives need to be based upon principles, foundational ideas, and firm commitments, not just To-Do lists for the present day. We need to be running the marathon, not the sprint.
Checklists Are Not The Goal
Checklists are great tools; they pull experience and lessons learned out of events and document the information for future events. But the self-improvement content-sphere idolizes checklists, not for tasks, but as a basis for living, as if the method is the goal. Despite the comforting idea of “Do These 10 Things Immediately To Be Successful”, it’s not true. Our lives need to have real foundations, not just a laundry list of the “good things” we are supposed to remember to do in a day.
- I’m supposed to be grateful, so others like me. Have I been grateful today?
- I’m supposed to do how X, Y, and Z before 8 A.M each day; did I remember all of them?
- What was that laundry list of superfoods I was supposed to eat today?
- How was I supposed to act toward my boss if I want a raise?
The Checklist Culture thinks that success is formulaic and prescriptive and instead of prioritizing things in our lives, checklists put all “10 Things For Success!” on an equal playing field.
Approaching our lives as if they are a series of checklists is part of the drive we feel to do everything at once. And the sheer volume of everything at once is overwhelming. Instead of inspiring action it fosters inaction and paralyzing indecision. It also fosters deep-seated anxiety.
Fostering Anxiety
The juggling of the various responsibilities, roles, obligations, and internal desires which we all experience can cause a lot of anxiety. And anxiety is rooted in fear. Fear that we’ll make mistakes, that we’ll miss out on something, that we’re not living up to other’s expectations. Ultimately, anxiety is stressful and counterproductive.
We have seasons in our lives. Our foundational priorities are the glue woven throughout our lives, but our particular season will determine many of our immediate priorities. When we wrestle with questions of what to do and why remember that the wrestling is a profitable exercise. It focuses and clarifies our priorities. But there needs to a resolution out of that exercise; the conclusion cannot be: I’ll do it all! Prioritizing everything is the same as prioritizing nothing. And prioritizing nothing generates ongoing anxiety.
Taking Time
We have to grow into things. None of us arrived fully formed and, if we are diligent and observant, we are still building and moving towards the person that we want to be. Slow down; this formation takes time. David Kavady, author of the podcast Love Your Work, made a telling observation that “…many things that are worth doing take three years.”
Such a test would be a good minimum threshold for our own lives: am I willing to commit to this goal, idea, or project for a minimum of three years? If we applied that minimum threshold, our list of all the “things” that we are trying to juggle will shrink rapidly.
Trying to do, change, and accomplish everything at once will inevitably end in dissatisfaction and failure. Let’s be more realistic about our limitations regarding decision-making, available time, and human nature. Then plan accordingly. Changes in our lives and goals all take time, persistence, and ongoing energy. We need to be committed to the long game and prepare ourselves accordingly.
Moving Forward:
Do you find yourself too often trying to accomplish everything?
Do you tend to sprint in an effort to change your habits or situation overnight?
Start today: narrow your list to a max of three actionable goals which past the test of a possible three-year commitment.
Originally published at https://fjwriting.com on February 12, 2019.
